Footballers! Fifty grand a week!
That's ten grand a day.
Well, it's a five-day week.
I mean, one game a week. Two max.
And they only train till midday, so that's like...
ten grand a working day.
So what gems does Little Miss Cosmo have for you this week?
Well, I'm reading about something called, erm, multiple orgasm.
Don't listen. They make that shit up.
Well, apparently not. Yeah.
Well, multiple orgasms stop when you get married.
Something to do with church weddings.
The blessing takes care of all that.
In the eyes of God, one climax per session is enough.
Well, if that were the case, I'd go to church.
Multiple orgasms, really (!)
We make do with one at a time. Do you see us complaining?
No. There you go.
'Cause you're asleep.
Ho-ho-ho!
Well, Mandy from Oxford here has at least ten orgasms a day.
I told you, they make it up.
So, by your maths that's what?
Fifty orgasms a week.
Unless she's on a Cup run.
Ow! Christ, I've just come. Jamie!
Oh, and another! Shut up! People will start staring.
It's Hampstead Heath. They think you're weird if you're not having sex.
Ooh, and another.
Seven more and I could move in with Mandy from Oxford.
Would you mind if I...?
Oh, no, of course.
Do you come here often?
Is that the best you have?
Yes, I'm afraid it is, yes.
Oh.
Oh, don't worry. I...
I shan't be asking you to dance.
I find this very comforting.
The view? Yes.
Ah, it's wonderful to know that some things...
just stay.
Although I could do without that bloody tower!
Oh, really? I love it.
I love it that for a while at least, we had ambitions beyond concrete.
Hm.
Do you ever wonder what would have happened
if that chap in Pudding Lane had noticed that fire starting
all those centuries ago,
and then just put it out?
I suppose the whole of London would be wooden.
Hm.
Yes, imagine the splinters.
By the way, I do.
What? Come here often.
Do you? Every Wednesday, as a matter of fact.
To this very bench.
Well, I never. Be careful who you ask next time.
Yes, I will.
Well, that is extraordinary. It's just a habit.
How long have you been coming here?
Oh. Oh, nearly 50 years.
That's a lot of Wednesdays. Not as many as it might be.
I'm a strict observer of holidays.
Nice view? Sorry?
Can you get all of that, or would you like me to move for you?
What are you talking about, darling?
You are so pathetic. Oh, good God!
Yeah, isn't he? She should be careful.
In case some pervy man were to stare at her pants?
Well, yeah. Yeah. I saw you.
Saw me what? Staring at her.
Staring at her pants.
That's ridiculous. She's very beautiful.
Do you think? Yeah.
Young, pert.
And what is it you and your mates say?
About what? Stomach like a snare drum.
We don't say that.
Right.
So what were you looking at, then? 'Cause I saw you.
Oh! Oh, that!
Oh, God, did you think I...?
Oh, that's funny. No, it was...
It was her book. Oh, right. Her book.
Yeah. Right.
And what book would that be, then?
"Le... tranger".
"L'蓆ranger". Er, yeah.
You know it, do you? Oh, it's seminal.
Albert Camus, unless I'm mistaken. It is, yeah.
Made quite an impact on me as a teenager.
Really? Oh, Camus.
Camus.
Yeah, that book, er, changed my life.
Oh, I noticed she was reading it, and thought, "Well,
"you don't see it about that often."
So, what's it about, then? Sorry?
Well, this book that changed your life. What's it about?
I'm not going to get into that now.
Oh, come on. The book that changed my husband's life,
I should know about.
Go on. You know I love a good story.
Well, you know, it's, er...
It's French. Mm.
About a man who is an...
閠ranger. Right.
A stranger, basically. Yeah.
Anyway, he goes on quite an adventure.
You know, new man in town, the locals are difficult to break.
Mm-hm. He starts off as a stranger,
and through a series of beautifully crafted events
he eventually becomes accepted as the new...
sheriff.
Sheriff?
Yeah. It's kinda like a...
French...
western.
Well, that does sound life-changing.
Yeah, it was. Mm, mm.
Molly? Molly, what are you...?
I'm so sorry to disturb you,
but I was just wondering if you could help me.
Of course. We should leave her alone.
She doesn't mind. Do you? No, I don't mind.
Well, all the same... What can I do for you?
I just couldn't help noticing the book you're reading.
Really? "L'蓆ranger"? Oui.
It's truly a wonderful piece of writing.
Well, do you know what? My husband was just saying so.
Really? You know it?
Oh, yeah. I mean, I read it. A few years ago.
Isn't Meursault an extraordinary character?
His inability to lie,
and his ability to live so much in the present.
Amazing creation.
Uh, yeah.
And still he ends up sheriff.
Sorry? Jesus!
No, I was just saying, isn't it remarkable,
that he can be so truthful
and still wind up as sheriff. Molly.
He just clears up that town.
I think you... You may have the book a little confused.
Oh, really? Well, yes.
This is a book about the, er...
fundamental existential crisis of a man
unable to live under the restrictions that society imposes upon him,
upon all of us.
So...
it's not a western?
No.
Is there something wrong? We should leave now.
Actually, no, no, no. Come here.
Erm, I'd actually like to apologise on behalf of my husband.
Apologise? Yeah.
I'm afraid he's been staring at your pants.
Oh, for God's sake, Molly.
I'm sorry about my wife. She's had too much sun.
No, on the contrary, it's my husband who's been affected by the heat.
But a little bit of advice for you.
Next time you're sunbathing on the Heath,
you might want to be more careful.
It's full...
of perverts.
Pack up the things. We're going now.
I'm really very sorry.
Erm...
I should...
Were you really looking at me?
Yes.
Yes, yes, I was.
Well...
That is quite frightening.
Oh, God. This is...
Look, I'm gonna... I really am very sorry.
She gets very jealous.
When you stare at other girls' underwear?
Well, I don't very often stare,
but yeah.
I suppose in such a circumstance she would manifest jealousy.
And what about you? Me?
You. Are you the jealous type?
Oh, God, no. Molly can stare at who she likes.
It's fine. Really?
Well, apart from Jude Law, but that's more of a...
talent issue.
Look, I'm gonna...
I really am very, very sorry.
Would you...
Would you like to look again?
Sorry?
Would you like to have another look?
Sorry, another look at... Yes.
Erm...
We all need a look now and again.
Like Meursault in the heat.
Yes, like Meurs...
Thank you.
Is that the right thing to...? Why not?
You're welcome.
Molly!
So, tell me. Why did you break the habit?
Break it? Yes, it's Thursday.
Thursday? Yes.
Are you sure? Yes, of course.
No, no. It's definitely Wednesday. Oh, no, no.
No, no, it can't be. Oh?
Because I always come here on Thursdays.
Are you being...
a wag?
No, no. I come to this bench to look at that view on Thursdays.
So, er, it must be Thursday.
Or one of us has got it wrong.
What are you gonna do?
You want me to go? I want you to make a decision.
Okay.
Okay, fine, I will.
If I go, then...
You bore me, Ludo, you bore me.
I bore you? Yeah, you bore me to death.
I'm so bored. I'm bored right now.
You're unbelievable. You're unbelievable!
Yes, you said that. It's not interesting.
Now make a fucking decision!
And make sure it's not a dull one.
You're making me do this.
Take responsibility for yourself.
You all right?
You all right, love?
It's just I was walking by.
I couldn't help but notice you, staring out into the middle distance
a bit like a nutter.
I mean, look, if you are a nutter, enough said.
But you don't strike me as your bona fide mental.
I haven't actually met any real-deal headcases
but they don't generally look like you, because I've seen 'em on the TV.
And if they did look like you,
then I would be down there smeared in my own shit
quicker than you could say, "Pass me your underpants, nurse."
You with me?
Ahh...
Look, if I've misjudged things, then, erm...
Sorry.
You for real?
Oh, she speaks.
I speak. Which is good to know.
What do you mean, right, when you said if they all look like me?
Sorry? What exactly do I look like?
Well, er, you're a...
You're a good-Iooking bird.
A yummy mummy? Well, yeah, if you like.
I don't have kids. Right, well, that's even better, then.
Is it? Yeah, yeah.
Do you have kids?
Bloody hell! I haven't even bought you a drink yet.
You're too young to be a father. I am.
How old? Twenty-five.
No, that's not too young. Well...
You know, maybe it's not too young, but it's definitely young.
Compared to what? Er, to what?
You, you're young. Compared to what?
Erm...
Er... The telephone.
Yeah, I'm definitely young compared to the telephone.
You are.
So, what are you young compared to?
What's that? What's old compared to you?
What kind of fucking question is that?
Why?
What kind of moronic fucking question is that?
It was your moronic fucking question.
I just... It's okay. You can leave now.
Oh. Oh, can I (?)
Yeah, you can go now.
Oh, right. Okay.
So, you're all right, then?
Fine. Thanks for your concern.
My name's Noel.
Noel? As in, er, Gallagher.
And Edmonds.
Oh. God.
Crushes.
What's your name?
Anna. Oh, as in Kournikova.
As in, I'd quite like to spend some time by myself.
No offence. Okay, none taken.
I'll leave you to it. Thanks for your concern, though.
It's a'right. You already did that.
What you doing?
I'm leaving you to it, yeah?
Okay? Now, if you don't mind,
be quiet, because I need some still.
Mm?
You have got some front.
You know, you shouldn't be feeding me lines like that.
Are you seriously not gonna leave? No.
I could scream. So, scream.
I could get you arrested.
I could say that you tried to touch me.
Well, if I'm going down for it.
You know what? I think I'm punching above my weight.
I'm just gonna leave you to it.
I'm sorry.
You can stay.
Uh.
Oh...
I don't mind if I do.
What makes you think that someone like you
has any chance whatsoever with someone like me?
Y'know, I don't remember asking if I did.
Come on, you've been drooling since you saw me.
I have not. Look, I just... I saw a girl who looked upset
and I made sure that she was all right
and then I decided to do a spot of meditation.
And there was no drool involved.
You are out of your mind.
Seriously, eh? You're fucking with my ch'i.
Molly!
Oh, come on, Molly!
My boyfriend just left me.
Where?
Here, just now. Ludo.
Ludo? What, as in the...?
As in boring, middle-aged twat. Shut up.
Has anybody ever told you that you have great eyes?
Oh, sorry. Are we in Stringfellows? No, really, you do.
Make an effort. No, you do. You have great eyes.
Which is lucky. Lucky?
Yeah. Because they tend to pull focus from your nose.
What's wrong with my nose? Nothing's wrong with your nose.
You have a great nose. You have a great fuckin' nose.
Are you seriously trying to tell me that I've got a big nose?
Not big. Well, what, then?
What I'm sayin' is that it doesn't matter what kind of nose you have,
because those eyes will always overpower it.
Overpower?! You happen to have a beautiful nose.
My point is that those eyes are so good
that even if you had a ridiculous nose it wouldn't matter,
which you don't.
But if you did, I wouldn't notice, which I didn't until now.
And now I look, it's a great nose.
Yeah, it's great. You have a great nose.
You've just got no idea who you're dealing with.
I'm damaged. We're all damaged, babe.
Who the fuck do you think you are?
Arriving out of nowhere, asking me all sorts of personal questions,
when clearly I'm upset about something,
which, incidentally, has fuck all to do with you.
And then you sit here next to me, you sit there...
Me, an attractive, single, vulnerable woman.
You sit here next to me, and tell me that I've got a beautiful nose.
You know, how fucking dare you!
Yeah, I'm sorry.
What?
I'm sorry. Um...
I'm sorry that I complimented you. It was very insensitive of me.
Yes, it was a crap line. Oh.
Not a hint of originality.
Crap men are one thing, but crap lines are unforgivable.
All right. Okay, okay. The whole thing was a line.
All of this was a line, you know.
I saw you rowing with, er, Monopoly... Ludo.
Yeah, with him. Okay? And I thought, well, you know, she is very, very fit.
And I... And very, very vulnerable.
And I am very, very horny. So, yeah, you're right.
I know I'm right. Well, so, you are.
I know. So, how did I do?
Shit.
Well, you can't blame me for trying.
You can't blame me for telling you to fuck off.
No. So, go on, then.
Well, erm...
You didn't scream.
You're right. I am?
Let's do it.
Do it? What are you sayin'?
I'm saying I want to fuck you.
You're saying you wanna...?
Yeah, I wanna fuck you. You're saying that...
I wanna fuck you. You need to stop sayin' that.
Yeah, because, erm, now you're really confusing me.
I wasn't coming over here to ask you if you wanted to fu...
I was just gonna ask you if you wanted to go out for a drink.
Yeah, and I just told you that I want
to fuck you. To fuck me. Yeah, yeah.
Oh. Erm...
Do you?
As a rule, I like not to ask more than a dozen times.
Right, yeah. Okay, okay.
What, really?
Yeah, I wanna have sex with you.
With me? Yeah, I wanna fuck you.
You're not being mental again?
So, wait, so what you sayin'? All these... the lines that I...
Those crap lines, well, actually, they all worked?
No, they were shit. Oh.
In fact, if you'd said nothing, I might have fucked you earlier.
I thought for a moment that you might interest me, but, no, there was nothing.
That's wonderful.
Well, we'll see what it is. Come on.
Well, um, what, now?
Okay. Erm, right. Well, where do you live?
'Cause I'm, erm, like a bus ride away...
Here. Here?
What? Now?
Right here.
Here?
There.
Wh... Wh...
Errr...
Can you do these? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hang on.
Bit stuck. Bit stuck.
You wanna do this, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait.
Oh, yeah.
What?
You can fuck off.
You bore me.
Fuck off!
What you want from me?
I've often wondered about Cheryl and Brian.
Who?
Ah. Do you think they were happy?
Well, who knows?
Least they were together.
Ahh, is that happiness?
Well, I suppose we'll never know about them.
Well, I think they met during the War.
And he went off to fight in France,
and she stayed behind in London,
slaving away in the munitions factories.
Both of them wondering when or if they would see one another again.
And intense and terrifying start,
which propelled them through the hardships and the difficulties, and on.
You know, like a fully taut bow and arrow.
The greater the tension before it launches, the further it goes.
Well, I think love's like that.
And I've always felt
Cheryl and Brian achieved great distance because of it.
Other people's stories are always fascinating.
Have you achieved great distance?
We have now. She's dead, and I'm in Cricklewood.
Oh, I'm sorry. No, it's okay.
Has a wonderful dentist. Cricklewood?
Oh, heaven.
But such very long waiting lists.
Yes.
What about you?
Tommy died five years ago.
Forty-three years of marriage.
Oh, well done.
He was a sweet man.
Very sweet man.
But this bench was my little secret.
I never came here with him in all those years.
There was a time in the early '80s when he thought I was having an affair,
because I wouldn't tell him where this place was.
Oh, I used to tell him I was visiting my son.
Anything, just to get here.
It was always important to me to have my little place.
My little bench. My little view.
You have a son? Yes.
Oh, he's in his 40s now.
Eddie.
Oh. Oh, that's my name.
So, why here? Why this bench?
There was a boy. We were 17.
We only met twice. We met here.
I was engaged to Tommy. He was engaged to...
I don't remember her name.
And things...
They were different times.
Teresa.
What?
The woman he was engaged to.
She was called Teresa.
And he was called Eddie.
And she was called...
Iris.
He's not your type.
How would you know?
You're my partner. It's not the same thing at all.
He is.
God, you're not wrong there.
Why are you always reading?
Why? Yeah. Why?
You know what, Billy? You should read some more. You might learn something about yourself.
There's nothing I need to learn about myself
that he couldn't teach me.
Fair point.
I met this guy the other night.
Oh, yeah? He had one of those smiles.
What, the sort that says, "I have no self-respect"?
No, the sort that says "I'll give you the best blow job
"you've ever had."
Oh, that one.
And did he? Come on, there are rules.
Mm, the rules. There've gotta be rules, Bri.
You dirty bastard.
You fucking love it.
Look, I've been thinking...
I told you. Two's company.
I know, and three's a night out, but it's not about that.
What, you're not talking about sex? No.
They said this day would come. I just didn't believe them.
You're finally gonna let me have a garden?
I'm not spending the rest of my days in "The Good Life".
Oh, "The Good Life".
When I was a kid, I used to really fancy Penelope Keith.
Margo (?)
She's got a touch of the Maggie Thatchers.
Oh, you were such a confused child.
Oh, don't tell me you fancied Richard Briers?
Oh, don't be sick.
Felicity Kendal every time. Oh, fuck off.
No, seriously. I mean, those dungarees, man.
I swear, if I met her today I'd still love to have a go.
Anyway, you should spend less time being nostalgic.
Nothing wrong with nostalgia. A little bit, maybe,
but you can be nostalgic about breakfast.
I told you, you should read more.
Penelope Keith (!)
What a minger!
Well, let's face it. We've never had the same taste in women.
Ah.
So, what were you thinking?
When?
Just now. You said you'd been thinking.
Or has that thought already nestled itself
in one of the cavernous empty corners of your mind?
Imagine the millions of tiny thoughts there must be scrabbling around,
looking for a way out before their last gasping breath finally deserts them
and they become another distant memory of something that was once a half-decent idea.
You should read less.
I know. I promise, as soon as you commit to me for life,
I absolutely will.
Oh.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Come to Daddy.
- All right. What do you reckon? - Jesus Christ!
- Bit of a monster, eh? Come on. - Oi, oi, oi!
No, no. No means no.
You walked in with your dick out.
That's 'cause I need a piss. Well, go somewhere else.
Some of us have sex here. Christ. Urgh.
Where have you been? I think I get to ask the questions.
Dirty little... Aren't you?
Hello.
Where's Eve? She's just coming.
Still need a piss.
You don't have to pretend to me.
It's the 21 st century. It doesn't have the stigma it used to have.
Very funny.
Give us a kiss.
You've always been the greatest kisser.
Thanks. You're not so bad yourself.
A shame your friend never found out.
Okay, we can drop that now. Any time you like.
Ahhh. Come on, Eve. Daddy needs a wee-wee.
Go and find another hedge. No chance. No way.
God, you know, I fail to see how some men can find sex with men in any way appealing.
Struggle to see how women can.
You underestimate your immense sexual magnetism.
I'm not the only one. Oh, poor baby, not getting any?
Look, before Eve gets here,
I brought the papers. You?
Yeah.
Decree absolute.
Feels very final.
Isn't that the point?
I suppose so.
Do you, Sarah Louise Williams,
hereby agree to never laying any claim
to the life and emotions
of this man, Peter Brian Maxwell?
I do. Mm.
And do you, Peter Brian Maxwell,
hereby consent to never ringing up this woman, Sarah Louise Williams,
after you've had a few beers and are in desperate need of a bunk-up?
I...
I do, I do, I do. Christ, that hurt.
Well, maybe we could break the rules once in a while.
Oh, just the once?
Oh, what about Saturdays when...
Daddy!
Daddy.
Hello, gorgeous. How's my little princess?
Mummy bought me a brand-new bicycle.
Wow. Is it wonderful?
It's the best bicycle in the world.
Well, that's what happens when mummies and daddies get divorced.
The children always get lovely presents.
I like your divorce, Daddy.
I think Mummy is much happier.
Is she? Well, so is Daddy,
which makes you a very lucky little girl.
Why am I lucky?
Well, because you have a mummy and a daddy who are...
who are very happy.
Bet none of your friends can say that.
I love you, Mummy, but I want two mummies like Amy.
Mm. Do you know what a dyke is?
What? It's a d...
Dam. Well, it's a big hill.
Holds lots of water.
Water. Do you know what? Can we walk a little bit, love?
'Cause Daddy really needs to find a toilet.
She's seven. Yeah, right.
Dam. Damn's not a nice word. Oh, come on.
Damn this. Damn that.
Well, every Wednesday.
For nearly 50 years.
Huh. Shall we, um...?
Shall we what?
Well, I don't know. We could, um...
What? Attack the summit. Mm?
Gosh.
It's a long time since... Me too.
So, how does it feel?
Well, it feels like I haven't pissed in a month.
I meant about being divorced.
Oh. Feels good.
I knew.
Knew what?
We were married for the wrong reasons.
What was it about us tying the knot that just stopped everything?
Well, I think we just ran out of things to say.
And it often happens in a relationship.
Some people get to the point where they say things like
"I've met someone else" or "I just can't do this any more".
And I went for...
"Will you marry me?"
And you went for "Yes."
The wedding didn't stop anything. It'd stopped years before.
We both knew that.
But that wedding night, though...
Ho-ho! That was something else, you animal!
I was angry. I mean, well, nothing beats angry sex.
Yeah, I was furious. You're not joking.
See, that's where we went wrong. I've worked it all out.
I've spent a lot of time thinking about it on the loo.
The thing is, we got married and then we got wound up.
And we should've got angrier much earlier.
You're insane. No, I'm happy.
And I haven't had sex in a year.
A year? Who was that?
It was you.
There was only you.
I know.
Shame sex isn't enough. Yeah, shame, indeed.
Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come to Daddy.
Yes, yes, yes. No, no.
Was it here you dropped it? Yeah?
I can't find it now. It's gone.
No. No.
Bollocks, bollocks. Bollocks, no.
I hate beautiful girls. If she'd have been ugly...
I love the fact I know nothing about men's minds.
Never overestimate us. Oh, I don't.
My mother told me something once when I was a child.
The only thing she ever truly did tell me...
Mummy. Daddy.
If you want to know the way to a man's heart,
it's simple... Yeah, through his stomach.
Through his shirt with a bread knife.
Ouch! This is for you, Daddy.
Oh, thank you, baby.
Pete, there is one thing I would like to know.
Oh, look. We're fickle, sexually frustrated liars,
who think that settling down is the same as settling for.
No, I mean about us.
Oh?
Well, you're still the most attractive man I've ever met.
You make me laugh. You're a great dad.
You earn good money.
And yet I still know you're wrong.
Well. Well, what?
Look, I have no idea what's right for you,
or, for that matter, what's right for me.
Maybe I'm too picky. Oh, don't be too hard on yourself.
We both know that we know nothing.
Except one thing. What?
That we both want this divorce.
Except that. Come here.
Ah, yeah.
Oh.
How you doin', big man?
No.
For God's sake.
Ahhh.
Oh, yeah. Oh.
Uh. Uh-huh. Mm-hm.
Hallelujah.
Hallelu-jahhh.
Ahh.
Better?
Oh, yes, better.
Love you.
I love you, too.
Come on, baby.
Come on. There you go.
Ohh. Give Mummy a kiss.
You're spending the day with Daddy.
Ah, now, don't run, don't run.
I can't catch up with you.
- Come on. - Not too far.
It was a beautiful day.
I wanted a big do, but Tommy found all that embarrassing,
so we ended up with a few friends in the old civic hall in Belsize Park.
Oh, God, I used to play darts in there.
We had a huge wedding. You know, church, reception.
All the trappings. I've always liked a do.
I'm finding this very odd.
Isn't it?
You know, I can really see you now. You have the same...
That thing you do with the corner of your mouth.
Maybe it would have been better
if we'd, you know, died, not knowing.
Knowing what?
Can I tell you something?
Shall we stop walking, or is this something I can take in my stride?
No, no, no. Momentum plays a great part in my life,
and I'd very much like to get to the top of that summit.
I think you're right.
If we stop now, we might need a push.
So, what was it you wanted to tell me?
You've always been my perfect woman.
You stopped. I know.
I think that was because I wasn't real.
Hm. But you are now.
Well...
they do say you should never come face to face with fantasy.
Wednesdays and Thursdays.
You know, I can't believe this is the first time that I got the day wrong.
I mean, was it fate? You know, was it planned like this?
I mean, why do you think?
So that for 50 years you could be 17 and handsome.
Do you think we're ever going to get to the top?
You know, up there where the kites live?
It'd be silly not to try. I mean, on a day like this.
I used to spend a lot of time up there, but it suddenly got steeper.
I think it was some time in the early '90s.
Yes, yes, that's right.
Did they do it deliberately,
so us oldies would have to put up with the inferior view?
Well, I should like to defeat them. Right, give me a few steps.
I'll get into my rhythm.
Hello. Now, where might you be?
Were you looking at that girl?
Yeah.
Do you think she was nice?
Yeah, she was. Very nice.
Where the hell are you? You're late. I booked you for three o'clock.
Well, I'm a busy girl.
You spying on me? Maybe.
Okay, I'm busted. Where are you?
Hello?
I've only been away a week, and already you're window-shopping.
Come here, you gorgeous thing.
It's good to see you. You too.
Are we walking or sitting?
Let's see.
I'm feeling a walk. Okay.
- So, how was the funeral? - It went very well.
My grandfather always used to say to me,
"You stay in the game long enough, the cards'll eventually turn up."
The lottery of life. He sounds like a wise man.
He was. And he was killed by the thing he loved.
Great way to go. Shame it was a train.
But he died happy.
I just hope he got the number.
Have you ever thought about it?
What? How you'd like to die?
Have you? God, yes.
I've narrowed it down to two exits.
Peacefully in my sleep,
or drowned in a Jacuzzi after an overdose of champagne
poured down my throat by Thierry Henry.
You be careful what you wish for. I'm safe. He's married.
He's a footballer. He's not the affair type.
He's a French footballer. You haven't answered my question.
What? Have you thought about it?
Actually, I have. Well?
Murdered by a jealous husband.
Now stop being morbid. Do you want a cigarette?
I quit. When?
At Mum and Dad's. They don't know I smoke.
How old are you? That's not the point.
It would upset them. But you're a...
A what? A smoker.
Well, I'm not any more.
Okay.
Do you mind if I smoke? No.
Can I bring up the "H" word?
Oh, come on, babe. We need to go away.
When was the last time you had a holiday?
I don't do holidays. You know that.
I know, but, well, I'm just thinking about you.
Dah-dah!
Two tickets. The Mariott Hotel on Spaniards Beach in...
Barbados. Yeah.
How on earth did I find you?
I found you, remember?
Eve.
Why don't we go and get an ice-cream?
Again? Some days you need two ice-creams.
And it just so happens
this is one of those days.
There's more to life than thoughts. There's actions.
Yeah. What sort of actions are playing on your mind?
Kids. Kids?
Kids.
Do you think you could not shout the word "kids" while we're sitting here?
People might think we're, um, teachers or something.
I'm serious. So am I.
Kids?! Now you're doing it.
You want to talk about them, or you want to have them?
I think I do. I think I really want to have them.
Uh, Billy, you're gay. So are you.
It doesn't fuckin' matter any more. We can adopt.
I know we're legally allowed to adopt, but...
But what?
But...
I'm not ready. You're not ready? You're in your 40s.
I know straight men in their 40s who aren't ready.
Yeah, but that's different. How's it different?
Well, it's not down to them. It's not down to them?
No, it's the woman's choice.
A straight man can remove any sense of responsibility.
We don't have that luxury.
That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard,
and I've lived with you for 15 years.
Look, I think they would be a great addition to our relationship.
You can't have kids to add to your relationship. You have kids 'cause...
you wanna have kids. Exactly.
They're not just for Christmas. You know what you're like.
You'll be bored within a month, and sending them back
to whatever godforsaken home they came from.
Don't be ridiculous. Look, I think they would be great for us.
But would we be great for them? Why does nobody ever ask that question?
I'm fed up with seeing people start families just 'cause they can.
What about the kids? What about what they want?
Oh, you sound like Cliff Richard. Stop.
I'm serious. It's all, "Look at us, aren't we great for having a child?
"Aren't we great for calling it Taramasalata?
"Aren't we great for adding to the population of the world
"and filling it full of our insecurities and fears?
"Aren't we great?" Jesus.
If there's one good thing about being gay, it's that we are, by definition, environmentally friendly.
And that's it, is it?
Well, no, we can also dress well without fear of ridicule.
It might help me settle down.
You're doing it again.
"Let's have kids because it'll make my life better."
Do you seriously think people should have kids
for purely altruistic reasons?
Altruistic? Have you been secretly reading my books?
We are all here because two people needed something more in their life than what they had.
What's wrong with that?
My parents didn't speak to one another for a year before I was born,
and then I came along and everything got better.
And they don't regret me coming along, and I certainly don't.
I mean, admittedly, they haven't spoken to me in over ten years,
but they didn't know they were creating a sexual deviant.
Your parents are cave dwellers. They are a bad example.
Yeah, but, look, my point is...
that I am the result of truly selfish behaviour
and I'm fuckin' made up about it.
I can see.
I love you, Brian.
and I think having a child would be a...
An amazing expression of how I feel.
I know that sounds a bit Cliff.
I just think there are enough parents in the world.
Yeah, that's why they're closing down all the orphanages.
I love kids as much as anyone else.
I've got seven godchildren, for fuck's sake.
You have seven godchildren, because you can't have any of your own
and people feel sorry for you. Do they, bollocks!
They think it's cool to have a gay influence. It's North London.
Yeah, well, all that would stop. No more godkids.
You'd be a father. What would you be?
A father. Two fathers!
What a nightmare. No, it's better than two mothers.
That is sexist. You've met my mother.
Fair enough.
We'd have to move. You're thinking about it?
I think we'd have to move.
But you don't think it's out of the question.
I don't know what I think. I think I'll have to have a think.
Well, that's all I ask, Bri.
Are you sure you wanna do this?
No, I'm not sure. It just keeps playing on my mind.
There are things to consider. Of course.
One of us would have to give up work.
Would we? Why? Well, of course.
You can't bring up a baby if you're both working.
Why? People do it all the time.
Yeah, look at the little wankers they produce. No, I'm clear about that.
If you're gonna commit to having a child,
then one of you's got to stay at home.
I had no idea you were so old-fashioned.
No, I just don't believe you can do a good job with a child
if you're both as interested in your work.
That's just how I feel. Oh.
No, maybe you're right. No, it's just how I feel.
So, how much do you earn? You know how much I earn.
Considerably less than me. Yeah.
So, then, I suppose it would have to be you.
You cannot make judgements on a financial basis. That's ridiculous.
I bring in almost twice what you do.
If we're going to be supporting a family,
then, by your reckoning, you'd have to give up work.
That's ridiculous. Why?
'Cause work is about more than money. It's about who you are.
Well, who are you?
I'm a restaurant critic. Oh. I'm a financial advisor.
I get more pleasure out of my work so you should give up work.
That's ridiculous. Without my income, we would be out of nappies within a fortnight.
Well, without my job I'd be out of my mind in a week.
No, it has to be about money.
If I stopped working, how would we cope?
I'd review more restaurants. It takes you almost a week to do one.
Food is an art, Billy, something you will clearly never understand.
No, I understand, I understand.
Your art is much more important than my... What is it you call it?
Crass pursuit of the impossible financial nirvana.
You can be such a twat at times. You can be a twat at others.
You know, we're suited.
Are we gonna look into this, or not?
Yeah.
If you give up your work. Well, no way. I love what I do.
Yeah, well, so do I.
I'd give up all that, that's what I'd give up.
All what?
You would? I would.
I promise.
So I give up my job, and you give up the casual sex.
But there's still a problem. What?
I don't want kids.
I just want you.
I want both.
We'll see.
Do you fancy an ice-cream? Mm, all right.
Be back in a minute.
Tell me about your husband.
Oh.
I mean, you know, if you want to.
Well, what do you want to know?
Well, I don't know. What was he like?
He was decent. No one had a bad word to say about him.
Even you? Even me.
Tommy loved spending time...
He was never very big on plans.
The future. He said the future was nothing.
That what we had at any given moment, was what we had.
He was a regular philosopher, then?
I suppose he was in a way.
I was more of a dreamer.
I liked him. Mostly.
Well, that's a big achievement.
You know, after all those years.
And you liked Teresa.
Yes, but I couldn't help...
wondering.
Me too.
Albert Camus. "L'蓆ranger".
Oh-la-la. It's French, right?
Are you French? Yes, I am.
Oh, you are French? Yes.
I went to France once. Don't even think about it.
Don't! Okay.
Go away. All right, I'll go, then.
Allez. Allez! I'm going.
All right. D間age! Yeah. I'm going.
D間age! OK! All right, all right, all right.
You look nice, though, when you're angry.
D間age.
I saw a film once.
It was one of those, uh...
"boy meets girl, boy loves girl,
"boy marries girl, girl meets another boy,
"girl leaves boy, boy goes mad,
"and boy kills other boy and girl,
"and then boy goes to prison" kind of film.
It was all, er, very stressful.
Sounds it.
I'm not sure I get the point.
Well, I don't know, but I think I found a certain comfort
in not being that boy.
Or that girl.
It's all extremely complicated.
Tommy was right. It's a minefield.
I think maybe it's good.
Things that are completely impossible to understand.
All the best things in life are utterly indecipherable.
I mean, Tommy loved collecting first day covers.
I would ask him, what is it about coloured envelopes that so intrigued him.
He could never explain it.
He said he liked them because they kept on coming,
and his collection got bigger.
It baffled me for years.
And then there came a point,
when I began to look forward to them arriving
almost as much as he did.
You see, once you commit yourself to something,
however bizarre it may seem to other people,
you kind of owe it to yourself to enjoy the experience.
I hope it's all been worth it.
All those choices we make.
You see what we've done?
We've talked about our partners.
I didn't think we'd do that, you know, if we met.
Ooh.
Well, this should, er...
Do it? Well...
Yes, it should.
It's perfect. Here.
Ooh, I rather assumed.
But if you don't... What is it?
Chate鈛neuf-du-Pape, '93. Good year.
Do you think?
Oh, I don't know.
Whoops. Oh.
No, no.
Shall I be Mummy?
Why not?
Just hope it lives up to its billing. What is its billing?
Well, I'm led to understand that this particular year is...
light on the palate, a little oaky, but with an affectionate aftertaste.
Mm. Oh, oh...
Thank you.
Cheers.
Mm.
Very smooth.
Eh?
Yes. Do you not think?
Smooth, indeed.
Cheese? Er, yes, please.
Although I should probably keep a close eye on it at my age.
I know what you mean.
I didn't mean I know what you mean about you having to keep a close...
I mean I do, as well. Not that you do.
Erm, no, I just put on weight walking past a boulangerie.
A boulangerie. Sorry, it's French for bakery.
Yes, I know.
Jeremy was telling me about your book collection.
Was he? Yes.
He says you can get hold of any book in print
with 48 hours' notice.
Yes, well, I'm not a collector, I'm a dealer.
Oh, a dealer. Yes, yes.
I buy and sell books.
Jeremy likes to pretend to himself
that it's some sort of hobby of mine or something.
He did speak very highly of your "collection".
Yes, well, it's just his little joke, I suppose.
How about you?
Me?
Oh, I work for a charity.
Very worthy. Isn't it?
I'm sorry, I was just agreeing with you.
Do you agree with everyone? No, of course not.
I was being self-deprecating
but, as it happens, charity work is very hard and very worthwhile.
Yes, must be. What sort of people do you help?
What sort of people? Yes, I mean, erm...
poor people, starving people, black people?
Black people? Yes.
You think black people need help?
Well... I think you might need some help.
Well, that's very possibly true, but I meant Africans, not...
I meant Africans, not black people as a race.
You're wondering whether I was just being racist.
No, not whether. Why. Is that racist?
Yes.
It's so tricky nowadays, don't you think?
Tricky?
I mean, last week I was told off for referring to my lovely newsagent
as coloured. Instead of Asian.
Asian? No, he's black.
I think you may have been racist.
Do you?
Assuming he was Asian because he was a newsagent,
when in fact he's from Somalia.
My mother was asking me about work. Uh-huh.
I said it was good. She didn't believe me.
She's convinced I have no idea who I am or what I want.
All mothers think like that.
It's what connects them to their children.
Well, I know she doesn't really understand what I do,
but she won't let it go.
She has no idea what you do? No.
All she needs to know is that I love what I do.
My point exactly. But she's proud of you.
How do you know? Well, you told me.
Hey, I tell you a lot of things. I'm like that.
And that's why I love you. I know.
Excuse me, mate, erm, can I get a light, please?
Yeah, sure.
Very nice.
I'm sorry? Um, I said very nice.
What's very nice? She looks very nice.
Oh, do you want to fuck off? Erm...
How dare you fucking talk to me like that?
Go on, fuck off.
Erm, sorry. I'm not having a very good day today. I'm sorry.
Just leave.
Can you believe that?
What makes someone think it's remotely okay
just to walk up to a man and say, "Your girlfriend's very nice"?
"Very nice"?
Unbelievable.
There should be a law.
Oh, I've missed you, Louis.
Yeah? You too.
After finally climbing this infernal hill,
after all those years of thinking about it,
what you're saying is, the view is better from where we were.
Well, on reflection, yes.
I think you're right.
It may not be as high, but it did seem clearer.
I mean, maybe it's just what we're used to.
I've never been a fan of change.
Never been a risk taker. Apparently not.
I'll never be Thierry Henry, you know.
Well, that's good.
It means you'll never be responsible for my champagne-infused death.
Why do you like me, Esther?
Why? Yeah. Why do you miss me?
What is it about me that makes you pleased to see me?
Are you fishing for compliments? No. I'm asking for them.
Okay.
I like you because you're honest. Mm-hm.
I like you because you know how to listen, and you know when not to.
I like you because
when you take my hand and when you touch my neck
you're not just touching, you're...
I don't know.
I like you.
Do you want to know why I like you? I don't know.
I think sometimes it's good to never quite know. It's good to guess.
What? Keeps it interesting?
Which is the most important thing in any relationship,
no matter what kind.
So you don't want to know why I like you?
Well, of course I do. Do you think I'm mad?
Good, 'cause I'm going to tell you.
Go on.
I like you because you don't try and change me.
You just let me be myself.
Is that it? That's it.
There's nothing about my, er...
wonderful sense of humour?
My long legs? My sensitive touch? My witty repartee?
No, those are the reasons I love you.
We're talking about like. What?
It's much easier to love someone than it is to like them.
Okay.
Yeah, I like that.
Those things I said, they're why I love you,
they're not why I like you. Okay.
Do you want to know why I like you?
No, I think I know. I think you do.
When do I see you next?
You tell me. We're not done yet, are we?
I'm sorry. I've got things I need to sort out.
And it's one fifty now. The agency changed the rates.
Worth every penny. I can't wait for Barbados.
I can't wait for next time.
Maybe we could have sex. That's not how this works.
I know.
So, you never married?
No.
I was married. Yes.
It was the most wonderful three and a half months of my life.
Three and a half months?
Well, you've got to give it a chance.
So, has there never been anyone?
Oh, yes, I'm not a...
Relax. I'm talking about love, not sex.
Have you ever been in love?
No.
Never? Not even as a teenager?
No, absolutely not.
Does that seem a little odd?
Odd?
Well...
a little, yes.
I suppose it is. I mean, everywhere I look, people seem to be falling in love
or talking about it or claiming it.
Mm. Playing it out.
Playing it out?
I like that.
Do you think I could have another...?
Ooh, yes.
I think it is living up to its billing after all.
I'm... I'm glad.
I never wanted children.
Children? Yes.
They're sort of small adults that we love and adore,
until they grow up and leave us.
No, me neither. I hated being one,
and I've never met one who can hold down a decent conversation.
Oh, indeed. I've never met a parent that can, either.
I've always hated what happens to my friends when they become parents.
Jeremy, for one. Oh, God, yes.
Jeremy.
They invited me round for dinner the other night. I was back home by 8.30.
Is it me...
or is their son the spitting image of that, er...
little chap from "Fantasy Island"?
The plane, boss!
Yes. That's him.
You're so right. I knew he reminded me of someone.
I was always veering towards Danny De Vito, though.
Yes, I can see that.
Could you love Danny De Vito?
I'd like to have a child.
Me too.
They're strange, aren't they?
Well, Jeremy's is.
No.
Blind dates. Oh.
Yeah.
This is my first.
Really? Mm.
How old are you? How old?
Sorry, that is a terrible question. It's fine.
I'm 43. I'm 41.
Well, you have...
You have time.
I think we both know that's something I don't have.
You have some time.
Some.
Shall we...
walk, or...?
Walk? We don't have to.
No, no.
A walk would be...
A walk...
would be great, yes.
You know what? I ought to get back to the shop soon.
Really? Oh.
What about the walk?
Very nice meeting you.
Oh. Er, you too.
Are you okay? Okay? Yeah.
I'm fine.
Time just seemed to run away with me.
With us.
Hm.
Bloke with sunglasses and blazer, and she's off.
Anyone that comes along, really. Anyone but me.
Well, I'll tell you something.
The view may be slightly disappointing,
but it's been nice to spend some time up here with the kites.
Hasn't it?
You know, I think Tommy was right all along.
No point in wishing your life away with your head in the clouds.
And I think the walk has done us both good.
So, how about a dance?
I don't think you're the person I thought you were.
Oh? No, it's a good thing.
You've surprised me.
Well, I don't know what to think about that.
No, really, it's fine.
It's just that...
Look, I'm no dancer, never have been.
Oh, me neither.
Maybe we could just have a cup of tea.
Now?
Well, I could break the habit of a lifetime,
come here on a Wednesday?
You know, take a chance.
Eddie? Yes.
You know, I think I might change my routine as well.
I think I might visit Tommy's grave on Wednesday.
We had a good time.
I never realised that.
Well, I've always felt that Thursdays
have a better feel about them anyway.
You know, back of the week broken and all that.
I mean, I'd very much like to...
You know, there are other hills to climb.
Heath's a huge place.
Endless...
possibilities.
So, it's just you and me.
I know, I know.
I know.
Hey.
I love you too.
You cheeky bugger.
Come here.